Words matter! Sure that makes sense, especially if you’re a writer. Really, it’s true no matter who you are. I recently ran into someone who read my blog and told me how much they enjoyed reading– it “and then you stopped.”   The familiar snake of shame and insecurity tried to slither his way around my heart and into my chest.  

Do you know that feeling? The one where you have old patterns or scripts that you have rehearsed over and over and over. We call it imposter syndrome now, but if you boil it down – it’s A LIE!  

Lies lose their power when brought out of the darkness and into the light. So, I silenced the snake and opened my mouth … 

“I was on a good roll for a while, and then I hit an editing roadblock that derailed the train.” (We all know I like my analogies!) “I had two pieces I was working on, at two different editing stages with two different editors, and the feedback I was getting was brutal.” The first was called “Prayer Posture.” It was a simple reflection– a quick edit, or so I thought. Check grammar and spelling. Maybe a comment or two. We were almost done, and she said, “You should rewrite this but in the first person” (or was it third person)? Whatever it was – it made my brain go ping. What person had I written it in? What person was she thinking I was talking about? This happened to me – not to another person, so how was I supposed to write it as someone else? 

Pause for a moment. For those who don’t know, I have a unique brain. Now that you’ve stopped laughing. I grew up going to a French immersion school. We spoke English at home and French and English at school. I didn’t learn to read English until grade three. Then, in grade four, I was ripped out of that environment and thrown into an English-only program. That’s on top of the fact that I am dyslexic and have ADHD.  

My writing style doesn’t always follow the rules – because I either don’t know them or don’t care. My beta readers are vital to my process, but my editor is the last line of defence to ensure I am not messing with the English language.  

 So when she offered that suggestion, and my brain pinged, I was lost. I saved the draft, closed it, and decided to work on this other piece, “One Answered Prayer.” 

I am so excited about this piece. It felt timely in my life. I was going through it and being reminded of how God answers prayers – I needed this blog post for myself. 

So, I sent it to my mother, one of my beta/editor readers. Now she usually is my number one cheerleader, tied with my dad. Not this time. She would go over it with me time and time and time again with corrections. In the most recent draft I sent her, she replied,“Well, it’s great if you want to LIE.” 

Again, if you know me, you know the answer: “NO, I DON’T want to lie.” Sure, sometimes I am hyperbolic and can describe the chirping of five grasshoppers as a symphony, but I never lie. 

I had tried three times to get this memory right. Now, in my defense, I was a four-year-old when this happened. I had meshed two different events into one. That didn’t matter; here again, the orchestra of incompetence started tuning their instruments. I laid down my pen and, instead of turning to the Creator to hear what he had told me, I listened to a playlist of failure. 

 The more time that passed, the harder it was to pick up from where I left off. I was also in the middle of writing a 15,000 word paper for my master’s in Christian Leadership. 

As all those reasons come flooding out, I hear them for what they are: excuses, lies, and things that I let stand in the way of doing something I love and am called to.  

I can’t promise that my posts will be regular. I can confidently say that I won’t let the need to be “polished” delay a post or let fear stop me from sharing.  

Thanks for being on this adventure. Please share this with a friend or two who you think will be encouraged, challenged, or laugh.  

After this, I will edit those other posts, so stay tuned.  

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_{Read another post about overcoming struggle. The Lightning Maker.}