It’s days away and the most common question I get is, “How do you feel about your upcoming brain surgery?” It feels like a quiz question that I cannot answer correctly. I am excited for it, looking forward to this step being over, and the next stage beginning. But as I hear myself say that, I know my hope cannot be in the hands of the doctors.

They might not be able to remove the entire tumour. They could postpone the surgery again, if there is someone who needs it more than me. There could be complications.

So, when the next person asks, I want to keep it light. I think that laughter may be the way to go. I reply, “It will take a lot off my mind. LOL. Get it? Brain tumor – off my mind?” Then I see the look of horror on their face. They, like my mom, don’t appreciate the dark humour.

When asked again, I scramble to find another response that is as authentic as replies one and two. “I am calm and at peace 90% of the time and have concern or anxiety maybe 10% of the time. I know God has got me. He is writing His story, and I trust Him.”

Each answer I give is real, one side of the beach ball, and I am only sharing one side at a time. But if you spin the ball, you’d see the rainbow of thoughts and feelings all at once.

Tonight, after perusing the pituitary tumour support group on Facebook and checking out other people’s surgery stories, I have added to my list of concerns. They are …

I’m afraid I could lose my sense of smell and taste. I love to stop and smell ALL the flowers, especially the daisies. And I’d miss my mom’s fantastic cooking.

I’m afraid to get Diabetes Insipidus. Too much water in your system and the need to stay close to the restroom would limit the ability to travel and do ministry.

I’m afraid of sleeping sitting up and needing to mouth-breathe. Sleep and I already have a rocky relationship, and not being able to sleep or close my mouth won’t help the situation.

I’m afraid of sneezing. I will have to sneeze with my mouth open. How is one supposed to do that? Try it next time you need to sneeze.

I’m afraid my recovery will take longer than I want it to. I love my job, and I am not looking for a vacation.

I am NOT afraid of death.

First, this type of surgery is super safe. Less than 1% of people die from complications from transsphenoidal pituitary surgeries.

Secondly, I know in whom I have placed my Hope and Faith. I have made the choice to follow Jesus. I have confessed with my mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in my heart that God raised him from the dead (Romans 10:9). He can keep me safe during the surgery, guide the surgeon’s hands, and give the entire care team wisdom on what needs to be done. And in the words of the three Hebrew children who ended up in a furnace, “But even if he doesn’t …” I know that, like the thief who died on the cross beside Jesus, “there is a place for me in paradise.”

Not that I want to go there just yet, but the thought has crossed my mind. With that thought and a brain tumor both in my head, there is still peace in my heart, because Jesus is Peace. One of my favorite verses that I pray, quote, and paraphrase all the time is Philippians 4:7.

“And the peace of God that TRANSCENDS all LOGIC will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.”

There may be no rational thought for me to be at peace – EXCEPT for the fact that I know Jesus, who is the Prince of Peace.

In 2019, God gave me Romans 15:13 as my verse of the year. When 2020 came, He didn’t give me a new one. We all remember 2020, right? With the journey I’ve been on since then, this has become my life verse. It is my prayer for myself and for all those who read this.

“I pray that God, the source of Hope, will fill you completely with Joy and Peace because you Trust in HIM. Then you will overflow with Confident Hope through the Power of the Holy Spirit.” Romans 15:13

Missed the post about ‘Pete the Pituitary Tumour” – Check it out here